Dating with an STI: How and When to Tell Them

Living with a chronic sexually transmitted infection can be challenging - especially when it comes to dating with an STI. While most STIs can be treated and cured, others stay with you long-term and need to be managed. 

This can bring up a lot of questions and feelings when you meet someone new. When do you tell them? How do you say it? And what if they don’t react in the way you hope.

We’re going to dive right in and walk you through how to have this conversation with ease, confidence and honesty. 

To Begin With…

Although having a sexually transmitted infection can feel daunting, it doesn’t define who you are. In the same way it wouldn’t if you had high blood pressure, diabetes or another chronic health condition. 

It might not always feel that way, especially if you’ve been carrying shame or fear around it, but the right person won’t see it as a ‘problem’. They’ll be understanding, supportive and want to take care of you - especially as you’re open and honest about your sexual health status and approach to safe sex.

Up until now, you may have had to cope with this on your own, but that won’t always be the case. There is someone out there who will be understanding, accepting and want to take care of you fully. So if you’re dating with an STI and they can’t accept it, then that just means they weren't the person for you. You haven’t wasted your time - you’ve just saved yourself from investing in someone who wouldn’t show up for you.  

So When Is the Right Time to Tell Someone? 

When it comes to dating with an STI, the timing is important. When you first meet someone new, you’re still getting to know them - to see if there’s a connection between you. Don’t feel like you have to share straight away on the first or second date, because right now, you’re still discovering whether this is someone you want to open up too. 

It’s generally recommended to disclose that you have a sexually transmitted infection after a few dates, once there’s a connection and BEFORE anything sexual occurs.

This middle ground is usually a good time to share, because you’ve both built up a bit of trust and familiarity, you’ve started getting to know one another but you’re still being respectful and honest before anything intimate occurs - allowing you both to make informed decisions around safe sex. 

How Do You Actually Share This with Someone? 

Knowing when to tell someone is one thing - but knowing how to actually say it - feels like the hardest part when you’re dating with an STI.

Remember - you’re not here to convince them to choose you - you’re sharing to see if they can show up for you in the way you deserve. 

Start by keeping it simple, you might open up the conversation with something like;

• “I really love where this is going - so I think it’s important we talk about sexual health before things go further…”
• “Before things go further, there’s something I need to share with you…”

Once you have your opening line, you can dive in a little deeper…

• I’ve been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted infection. It’s completely managed, but I wanted to share with you before anything sexual happens.’

You can then explain to them what it is, how it is managed and what it means moving forward in terms of safe sex.

You don’t need to apologise or feel shame around it - it’s something you have to manage - just like any other health condition. 

But try to keep your tone calm and relaxed too. Sometimes, people can get scared or worried when they don’t fully understand something, so try to meet them in a place of reassurance and  openness - letting them know it’s ok to ask questions and to take their time to process it.

What If They Reject Me After I Tell Them?

This is a really common fear - but if someone does choose to walk away, then remember that their reaction isn’t a reflection of your worth. It usually comes down to their understanding, their own fears or misconceptions and what they’re ready to handle when it comes to a sexually transmitted infection. 

You deserve to be with someone who listens without judgement, takes the time to understand and treats you with care and understanding - including conversations around safe sex and your health. If they can’t do that - then they weren’t the right person for you.

So if they can’t meet you there - it’s not a loss. You are creating space for the right person to come into your life and show up in the way you deserve. 

What if They Need Time to Think About it

They might need time to think about it - and that’s completely normal, especially when you’re dating with an STl. 

For some people, this might be the first time they’ve had a conversation about sexually transmitted infections - so it can take a little time to process it. It doesn’t mean they’re rejecting you, it just means they’re trying to understand and figure out how they feel about it.

Try not to panic or jump to conclusions - instead, give them the space they need without putting pressure on them to respond straight away. This also gives them time to learn more and feel comfortable having conversations around sexual health and safe sex.

However, also be mindful that you deserve clarity too. It’s ok to give them space, but not to be left in limbo for too long. If they come back with openness and acceptance - then that’s a positive sign, and if they don’t - then that tells you something important about them too. 

How Can I Help Protect Them?

There are lots of ways to protect your new partner when you're dating with an STI to reduce the risk. What that looks like will depend on the specific sexually transmitted infection - but as a general rule, it can look like;

• Using protection, like condoms or dams every time you have sexual activity. Condoms reduce the risk of spreading sexually transmitted infections, HIV and unintended pregnancy. 
• Taking any prescribed medication consistently
• Being aware of symptoms or flare-ups and sharing this information with your partner 
• Having open and ongoing conversations about sexual health